Having very old animals is one of the most wonderful and heartbreaking things I have ever had to go through.
When I lost my old greyhound a year ago, it was soul-crushing but also necessary. She was very ill with kidney disease and she went downhill very fast in the end - it was the only humane option and therefore the choice was easy.
This year, I am facing losing both my very old Twiggy the corgi, and my very old Darby too. Both of these descisions are weighing heavily on my mind and heart right now, because neither one of them are easy to make. Both of them involve locomotive failures and not sickness. It's not like I haven't gone through this before - both Metro and Gogo were chosen euthanasias because of lameness issues. Both of them were much younger though - the idea of them having to face a long lifetime of crippled limping sealed the decisions, as I felt it was unfair to both of them. Both Twiggy and Darby are very old and lame, which means I know the decision is looming.... but when to make it? When is the right time?
The old corgi is my companion of about four years. We found her running on the freeway several years back, drying up from nursing puppies - her pads were super soft, like she had never really been outside. We think she may have been a breeder dog who got too old and got dumped - we never found an owner, and fell in love with her while we were looking, so she stayed. She used to be my work buddy, always riding along in my truck with me. About two years ago, her arthritis got to be bad enough that even a half day of work was too much for her, and she'd be pretty lame the following day. Up until about 6 months ago, she was still able to go for little 1/2 mile walks once or twice a week. As of late, she is now struggling to rise from her bed in the morning, and a lot of the time I have to help her stand. She's very lame and pain meds don't control it well anymore. Her back and her hips are very bad and there isn't anything we can do about it except keep her comfortable. Some days, she is great - still manages to lope around the yard, still barks at the big dogs when they play, still has her voracious corgi appetite. But some mornings, I can't get her out from under the bed. Today she didn't even lift her head when I called her to go outside - I thought she was dead. It was only after I turned the lights on and looked down at her that I was able to make sure she was still breathing.
I made an appointment for her once already, but she rebounded so well in the week leading up to it that I couldn't in good faith put her down just yet. Now though, I am facing that decision again. I'm not ready but I'm also not willing to make her suffer longer than she already has.
 |
| Only the cutest corgi you ever saw |
I'm also not sure what to do about Darby. I took her on knowing full well that she was going to die. I took her on knowing that she is crippled in all four legs, and that she is never going to be sound or normal again. What I didn't anticipate happening was how much she really has bloomed at our place. She really filled out - she looks fantastic! I've never seen a horse of her great age look as good at she does. Good food has taken ten years off her life visually. She absolutely sparkles in the sunlight.
But she is not sound. She gets around well enough but she never really recovered from when she tanked so badly in the spring, right before I brought her home. If her feet get wet or if she packs anything in up against her soles, she is dead lame. She grunts and groans with every step when she is sore. Some days she looks really good, but a lot of the time she doesn't. On her worst days, bute helps her get along.
I think about how lame Gogo and Metro were when I euthanized them. Neither of them were ANYWHERE near as bad as her on even her good days. I think about ever letting either of those two get to Darby's level of lameness, and there's no way I would have EVER let them suffer that much. I would have - and did - let them go long before they ever got to this level. There is some level of lameness that is controllable and acceptable to me - like P's lameness, it certainly isn't enough to warrent euthanizing her just yet. She is not very sound if she is in work, but she is able to run and play and go for light hacks - that is definitely a decent quality of life. Darby is not even able to do more than walk, and never has, ever since I have known her.... which actually I think is making the decision more complicated for me. I think that because I never knew Darby when she was sound, I have an altered idea of what comfortable is for her. The fact stands that she is so much better now than she was a few months ago when I first brought her home - and that makes it hard. She has really improved from what she was back then. That makes me want to keep fighting for her, to keep helping her feel good in any way that I can, because she deserves it.
But she also deserves to be comfortable and pain free. She deserves respect and dignity. She deserves the right thing - but what is the right thing?
 |
| Darby the day I brought her home |
 |
| Darby now |
I am helped in these descisions by knowing that horses and dogs aren't thinking of what is going to happen tomorrow. They live in the here and now - they only think about what is happening right now, or when they anticipate something in their daily routine. They aren't thinking these existential thoughts, wondering what life is all about, wondering if they are going to feel better tomorrow or in a week or a month. And when they are old and infirm, they pass gently when they die, their old bodies ready to be free of their everyday suffering. I don't know what happens after this life, but I like to think that animals are restored to their full health and vigor somewhere off in the universe, able to run and play again. I don't believe in suffering or making animals live longer just because these decisions are hard for us humans to deal with.
It's weighing heavily on me and I'm not sure when the right time to make these decisions is. Is there ever a right time? I don't know.
I agree with you fully on everything. Especially that we need to do the right thing even though it is hard for us. It *should* be hard. If it wasn't than we wouldn't be good people. I had to make a similar call with my cat Tonka a few years ago. He was 18 and looked amazing. But he was peeing on random things on a regular basis. It wasn't that he wasn't making it to the litter and we ruled out every physical possibility. He would also mostly sit crouched up, looking uncomfortable, on his cat tree most of the time. This cat spent most of his life with me as sprawled out as he could be and he was very active and always trying to be outside. He never wanted to go outside, even into my super safe backyard. But he would have good days and he also wasn't clearly suffering in a major way. But he wasn't enjoying life, either. And there is no way to know just how much they are suffering when they are stoic. I always thought they'd clearly show when they were in pain until I had a couple foster dogs who were NOT stoic at all. It made me realize my pets really were and that if they changed behaviour it was probably a lot worse than they let on. Anyway, after the cat pissed in yet another pair of my husband's expensive cycling shoes (he bikes to work year round, even in Canadian winters) I had to weigh the quality of life for all of us. That made it even worse - I didn't think my property damage should be a part of it - but we were up to 2K worth of losses and it was such a symptom of his unrest. If he was doing that and enjoying life, maybe we could have worked with it. But he wasn't, so we said goodbye. I cried for days, felt horrible guilt, and still miss him like crazy (I'm not a cat person at all but I was a Tonka person, for sure).
ReplyDeleteAt the end of the day, humane euthanasia never causes suffering to the animal. It is our role to suffer the hurt, not theirs. For that reason, I guess I'd rather a week early than a week late. But it's never an easy decision and nothing anyone can say will change the fact that you will just need to weigh the factors and decide the best you can.
Ruckuss gives excellent advice. I think you are putting your animals first rather than just wanting to keep them around a bit longer because you love them (of course you are thinking that too). Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the "better a week early than a week late" statement.
ReplyDeleteIn 2003, the first dog I have any memories of, Bandit (a Cavalier mix), was going down hill pretty fast. He'd had a stroke in February of 2002, and we thought we were going to lose him then. But he pulled through. But despite some vitamin supplements he started on at the end of 2002, he was going down hill pretty fast. He couldn't stand on his own, we had to hold him up to to his business, and there generally was not any quality of life for him.
He turned 17 in January of 2003. He passed away at the end of March on his own.
Now, I look back and go "We should have let him go in the winter." And that's what I still have trouble dealing with, to this day, over 12 years later.
I also agree that it's not supposed to be an easy choice (most of the time, sometimes you go, "Yeah, it's time" and there's no question). I'm sad that I didn't get back home in time to see Max before we put him to sleep, but I know that it was for the best for him. Blind, mostly deaf, back problems, seizures, bladder issues... It was time when he went.
From everything I have seen on your blogs and on Facebook, I know you have given these two the best they can get. Neither of them would probably have made it this long without you (especially Twiggy).
It is a difficult decision to make, but I too ring the sentiment "a day too early than a week too late". You'll do right by them, I know it.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I think it's better a week or even a day early too, but I never know when that is. I usually wait until the horse or dog, or even cat can't get up anymore. I've heard of a couple people who, when the day approached, made a bucket list of all the things their dog or horse liked to eat or do, and then they took a day to do them all. I think I'm going to do that someday. My current dog is 13 years 9 months old. In the last year I lost my older dog and an 18 yr old cat. I wish I hadn't been a basket case in the end, I wish I had prepared and done all the things they might have wanted, like a steak and a bowl of ice cream.
ReplyDeleteI think letting either go is reasonable, but my question re Darby is, why not have her on bute (or firocoxib) every day? The bad effects of bute aren't important at this stage of her pain control, and might make her more comfortable in the time she has left.
ReplyDeleteMy 14 y/o has been on firocoxib for four years now with no bad effects. I am confident I would have had to put him down by now if he wasn't, but he's still very pasture sound. If it wasn't availiable, I would bute him daily. As vet friend said, she knows plenty of old horses on bute daily for years.
I do! I think you may have missed that in the writing, but I did write that bute helps her get along. At this point I'm not terribly concerned with the secondary issues, although I have a lot of mixed feelings about keeping a horse of her great age on bute just so that she can live even longer than she already has. I wouldn't have done that to my other horses, kept them on pain meds forever just to keep them alive and make me feel better - I don't know that I would do that to Darby either.
DeleteSorry, it looked like you only gave it to her on bad days.
DeleteYes - some days she gets around great, for weeks at a time even. Then when she has trouble she goes back on bute. So, not constantly - she doesn't need it every day. But when she needs it she gets it - I don't make her limp around. :)
DeleteIt is easier to keep them out of pain than treat it when it's worse. I would encourage trying firocoxibib every day
DeleteDuring my Sweetpea's four year bout with Cushing's, it seemed like the anxiety over her quality of life increased in proportion to her physical decline. The last 3 - 4 months were excruciating - for me. In the end she let me know when it was time, as cliche as that sounds.
ReplyDeleteIf when to let them go wasn't a very painful process, there would be something wrong with us I suppose.
You'll do the right thing in the right time, and it will still be really hard. (((hugs)))
I really liked the last paragraph of this post. If anyone is capable of making a tough decision like this, it's certainly you. Not that there's anything glamorous about being the person who is good at euthanizing animals just because they've had to do it more than the next person. You're strong and compassionate and I've always respected the hell out of you for not allowing your emotions to get in the way of reducing/eliminating one of your animal's pain.
ReplyDeleteFWIW, no matter what you don't know about Darby's life before she found her way to you, rest assured you've boosted her quality of life, ten fold. I still can't get over how great she looks!
It's impossible to tell the "right" time, but I'll know you'll make the best decision for both of them when they need it most. No matter how hard it is on you. :(
ReplyDeleteI know the place you are in. I just put my cat of 8+ years to sleep at the end of July. He could still walk around, was still eating and using the litter box. But he most certainly was declining (cancer). He would lie down in a weird, weak, lethargic fashion in random places. He dropped a pound in a month. He stopped grooming himself. He had a tumor that would bleed profusely at least every day. I knew in my gut that he was starting to be quite uncomfortable. I made the call before he declined any further. It was incredibly difficult - for me - but he went peacefully. I still felt guilty. Like I had failed him, or maybe I could have done something else for him. I just wish our animals would live forever. :( hugs
ReplyDeleteI've always gone with the philosophy that if you have a question if the animal's quality of life is good, it's usually time. Doesn't make that decision any easier.
ReplyDeletevery tough decisions all round - wishing you luck in figuring it out. these animals are lucky to have you!
ReplyDeleteYou have already said that you euthed your own horses before they got to the state Darby is in. I guess you are coming into winter in the northern hemisphere so I expect it is going to start getting wet soon. I would euth Darby asap. She sounds like she has had some slightly better times with you. Winter is going to be hell though.
ReplyDeleteBetter a week to early than a day too late.
You have already said that you euthed your own horses before they got to the state Darby is in. I guess you are coming into winter in the northern hemisphere so I expect it is going to start getting wet soon. I would euth Darby asap. She sounds like she has had some slightly better times with you. Winter is going to be hell though.
ReplyDeleteBetter a week to early than a day too late.
Actually we think we've decided that we are going to do something similar to what you're suggesting - put her down before the winter and the wet weather comes. Mud season is going to be very hard on the old girl.
DeleteThat said, she is doing very well right now so we'll give it a few more months while the dry weather holds out. And I would stand to solidly say that her life here is significantly better than it ever was before. "Slightly better times" kind of hurt my feeling to be honest with you. I'd like to think that I've given the mare a really nice ending to her life, not just "slightly better times."
You have, full stop. Darby has been happier than she's been in many, MANY years at your place and you've done a wonderful job loving on her and giving her the best life she could have right now. Whatever you choose to do about letting her go, you will know that she was happy and comfortable in your care. :)
DeleteI know Twiggy is gone because of Facebook. I'm so sorry. It truly is the most difficult part of loving our pets. I'm sorry you're having to face it with Darby too, but you did the right thing, taking her on, making her happy and comfortable and I think letting her go before she has to deal with winter is a good idea.
ReplyDeleteIt's been a year and seven months since I let my Siberian Husky go and I still think about it and feel guilty and wonder if I did it too soon, but like everyone else is saying too soon is better than too late. I knew she would be miserable in the summer heat and she was peeing in her sleep (hers was kidneys too) and her arthritis was getting bad. My only regret is that I didn't plan for it better. I made the decision on the spur of the moment and when reality set in I tried to back out of it... I wish I'd spent a day giving her whatever she wanted instead of just randomly deciding to get it done. Anyway, all I'm saying is I think you're going about all of this the right way. Hang in there!