When Mind Over Matter Fails

In my last post, I talked about using the power of mind over matter, and powering through some of my physical tiredness to get everything accomplished during the day. It's largely a mental game... I'd even say it's almost 100% a mental game. I make decisions about myself, about what I am going to do that day based upon how my body feels, and it's up to my brain to sort through those feelings and decide if I need to take care of my body, or I need to push through it and get it done.

But there is a flip side to this. Powering mentally through my days requires my mind to be strong, and healthy. I can make these choices, if my mind is fully functional. But like everyone, I fight my own personal demons, and sometimes these fully override my controls and take me for a completely unwanted ride. I often struggle to cope with utterly crippling depression, which is largely related to my poor stress handling skills, how much sunshine I get a day, and how hormonal I am. Throw these things together at one time, and it's not much fun. This past week in particular, it has been pouring on and off, and I barely saw the sunshine all week. As a solar powered human, this is crippling.

The rain also creates a secondary problem for me. It completely dropkicks my schedule into oblivion. When I am working in barns or in dry covered areas, the weather is not an issue, but there are many places I go that have nowhere to work in the poor weather, so we have to move appointments around. Doing the dance of a thousand reschedules, is what we call it. Last week alone, I missed three heavy days of work in a row due to the weather. We were supposed to be leaving for vacation in Colorado this week. I was frantic and overwhelmed, because I had nowhere to put these people and no time for anything whatsoever.

So, on the days when it was really bad outside and I couldn't work, I stayed in bed. Literally all day, sleeping. It rained for hours on Thursday, dumping a good 4" of rain on us, so I didn't ride. I didn't work anyone. I didn't do anything. I slept. Overnight, it dumped another deluge which brought our 24 hour total up to 10" of rain. Everything was flooded. Everything was a mess.


There was nothing for it. I cancelled my vacation. I opted to stay home and work instead of go enjoy myself camping in Colorado, and I've been full steam ahead ever since.

I've never had to do that before. I've never missed a real vacation because of work. It's a very weird place to be in and I'm not really sure how I feel about it. It was the only choice to be made, so there isn't much to be upset about. It's just... it's weird. I never wanted to cross that threshold, but now I have.




Finding the right balance to life is hard ya'll. I don't think anybody ever really gets there.... it is surely something you just work on, constantly, all the time, your whole life.

Pax and Future Hubs: at 4 weeks, 3 months, 6 monhs, 8 months, and now 16 months. Currently going through an attractive wiener dog stage

Anyway. That's where I've been all week. Just been trying to slog through the mud and the rain and the creeping darkness that I sometimes can't escape from. I've barely done anything but work and sleep, just trying to survive and get it all done.




But the sun has been out for a few days. I dragged myself out of my torpid stupor this afternoon after work and hooked up my trailer. Dylan took his piece of carrot, and followed me back up to the trailer to be groomed and readied. Once there, I tacked up - saddle, bridle, boots, helmet, gloves. I left behind the baggage of the week - still waiting for me upon my return, but not needed for the time being. For now, it was just Dylan, and myself.

Dylan, like many horses, can either be extremely light or extremely heavy and strong depending on how well I am riding. If I am soft and light with the contact, he is soft and light in the bridle. If I get heavy, he leans right back as hard as he can. If my seat is sloppy and flopping around, he is more than happy to run around the arena on his forehand at high speed, but if you sit up and engage your abs, he is completely controllable off your seat alone. He truly has been making a much better rider out of me, because I am free to experiment with all of this, and he already knows and can respond appropriately when I get it right. I am at my best when I am free to think about what I am doing, and then try it and see how it works. Then I can take what worked, and try to make it better. And better. And better.

With Dylan, I am free to think. I have a better awareness now of my individual seatbones than I ever have in my life. I have a better understanding of my core. I looked in the mirror today when we were doing walk work, and saw my right leg, and it was just as pretty as it's ever been, sitting in the best spot it ever has. My left leg will never do that, but it can get close.... it can get better, and it is getting better.

We had an excellent ride. I'm still experimenting a little bit on how best to warm this horse up, and I don't have one concrete warmup I like more than others. Today I chose to walk on a loose rein, then pick up just my snaffle rein only and do some stretching and walk half pirouettes. He was so light and responsive after some back and forth repetitions of this, and maintained it when I picked up the curb rein. He maintained it in the trotwork, and in the canterwork. He felt so easy, and so light, even though he hadn't been worked in a week. I felt so much better.

I'll be riding a lot in the next few days, and intend to break those rides down into more detailed ride posts. I was feeling a bit dried out and uninspired to write over the past week, but a good ride was just what I needed to feel refreshed and ready to get back to life as I am used to. Sometimes you trip on your own feet, but as long as you can find your way back upright again, it's all right.

NTW Romp in the Willows 5/14/16

Well, that was about as bad at the last Romp in the Willows. Meaning, not the worst show ever, but it very prominently highlighted what happens to O when she is faced with things she is really good at, and faced with things she is really not good at. She is really, really good at going fast, having endless endurance, and tight turns. She is really, really bad at precision work that requires a lot of careful, slow maneuvering and frequent stops. 

There are three parts to the Romp - an obstacle course, a cones course, and a XC course where you have to pick up ribbons along the way and return them to the timer at the finish. O is really good at two of those things. The obstacle course? Oh man. It was total carnage. It was a different course than the last Romp, but we did just as horribly as we did last time. And came in the same place too - dead last.

Since the map looks confusing, I'll explain the course. The first obstacle is a big board bridge which the horses must go over. The second is a narrow wooden channel - you have to drive one wheel into the channel and drive through the entire channel with that one wheel still in it - which is way harder than it sounds. The third was a narrow raised obstacle that you had to drive through without knocking anything down. The fourth was a push through gate made of a pool noodle that was elevated and set between two standards - the horses had to push the gate with their chests and walk through it. The fifth was an alleyway made of flutter flags. The sixth was a tiny little board, like 12"x12", that you had to stop one wheel on and stay there until the judge told you to proceed. The 7th and 8th were a barrel that had mail on it, and a mailbox that you had to put the mail in and raise the flag. The ninth was a back up knockdown U-shaped obstacle where you had to pass it, turn, and back into it, knocking down the back rail (but not the side rails) before proceeding on. The final obstacle was crossing the bridge again, and exiting.

I thought for sure O was going to have a way better time than she did last time. She was feeling zen all morning, taking a nap while we waited for our turn. I thought for sure we were going to be fine. And it did start off fine. O crossed the bridge with no issues, approached the wooden wheel channel, and actually successfully executed it on the first go. It was great! And then, at the very end of the channel, she just stopped dead of her own accord. All I could think was, ohhhhh no here we go. That is her default when she is about to get all kinds of fried. Sure enough, we got into obstacle 3 and made it halfway through, but when we tried to turn to exit, she stopped dead again, backed up, jackknifed the carriage, and would NOT move again. I actually reached out and patted her butt to tell her it was ok, because it was all the way over to my right side and I could reach it. We continued on, went very successfully through the pool noodle gate (which creamed SO many people - I saw SO many horses either freak out or actually jump over it, complete with airborne carriage... not good!!), went through the flutter flag alley fine, stopped right on the square fine, picked up the mail and put it in the mailbox fine. All went fine. Then we tried to back into the U, and.... nope. Unfortunately with the 4 wheeler, it is SUPER easy to jackknife and not back up straight, so we couldn't get it straight. Just couldn't do it. I tried to get her in line, but kept having to walk her forward and straighten her out, which just did absolutely nothing for her brain. Finally, we backed into the wrong portion, knocked down the wrong side, and I just gave up and decided to go on. Unfortunately, she was still completely sulled up and wouldn't go forward again. Eventually after FOREVER I got her going, got her over the bridge, and then tried to get her to trot forward and exit - but halfway between the bridge and the exit, she just stopped dead again when I clucked at her to go forward. She started to back up, jackknifed the carriage again, mowed clean over the entire bridge complex and all the cones and numbers associated with it, and then again wouldn't go forward. She just stood there. Forever. Completely unresponsive to anything I did. Finally, she moved on, but I actually had to get someone to lead her out of the gate because she would NOT go forward. 

It's just her thing. It's why I bought her for $500. She was so fried when I got her that she would not. Go. Forward. You would sit on her to ride, and she would just stop dead and refuse to move every time you would put your leg on. You could thump her in the ribs, whail on her with a crop, or even just pet her and tell her it was all going to be okay. None of it worked. And, none of it works now. When she checks out, she is just DONE and that's the end of it. I can't do anything about it - physically there is just nothing. I just have to sit there and wait for her to come to her senses, and then she will move on. 

This really annoyed me for a long time. I gave you a command horse, you need to listen and do it. I felt for a long time that just letting her stand there was letting her get away with it. But it did not take me long to learn that there is no physical way to manhandle her into compliance. If you try, she is going to rearflail and completely unravel. And you STILL won't get anywhere - you'll just have an even more upset horse. And what good is that?

So, when she checks out to No Brains Town, I let her stand there and completely take the pressure off. I let her try to come back to her senses. And *then* we try again. There is just no way to train a horse whose brain has completely shut down. The only thing that can come of forcing that checked-out horse to do something it doesn't understand is someone getting hurt. 

And, it's okay. I understand that these things are very hard for her mentally, and mental overload just shuts her completely down. I know this about her, and I accept this about her. It's something I don't believe can be changed. She finds precision work super mentally challenging, and she always has. She is who she is, and she doesn't make apologies for it. And I can respect that about her, because she is always 100% honest with me. She doesn't misbehave just to misbehave - she misbehaves when she truly and honestly can't deal with something. She is SO very good at the things she is good at, and just SO very bad at the things she is bad at. There isn't really a middle ground for her.

One thing she is great at - total immobility when waiting our turn to go. I could probably take a nap up there

Right from the exit of the obstacle course, we cantered down the road and then trotted right into the cones course. She zipped around it like it was a piece of cake, not terribly fast but completely compliant and willing. She finished 2nd, and then we untacked for lunch and hung around, everyone commiserating about how hard and crazy the obstacle course was.

After lunch was a rather abbreviated XC course. Most of the property is currently underwater; the organizer had to change the location of the XC course and had it significantly shortened. I borrowed the owner of the carriage to ride with me, and O cruised around it like it was no problem, stopping obediently at each ribbon stop (we had to pick up a ribbon at checkpoints and then give these to the timer at the end). She did well, finishing 2nd and being extremely compliant - she listened to every command, everything I had to say. See what I mean? She is totally happy to listen and obey when she understands things - she is all about straightforward concepts. She is such a straightforward cut-and-dried kind of personality herself that I think she is just attracted to the same kinds of ideas - you go fast in a straight line here, you turn fast here. Simple, easy to understand, and completely clear. As soon as you get to nitpicking her, she doesn't take it well - too much sensory overload. Even a jointed metal snaffle is too much sensory overload for her - she needs her Happy Mouth mullen mouth, which is about as straightforward and simple of a concept as a bit can be. In anything else, she gets to rattling and clacking her bit, short-circuits herself, and takes off. I'm sensing a common theme here... 

So, it wasn't a *bad* show per se. The cones and the XC were of course fun, because O is good at those things and does them well. The obstacle course really was rough though. It was just as rough as the last time we attempted it. And I can't say it will be less rough the next time, if I choose to do the next Romp in the fall. (Although maybe I will have a moole to show next time!) To be completely honest the only reason I went to this one was because I am point chasing this year - I want Horse of the Year points, and this is a show that counted. We unfortunately probably were knocked back several pegs after this show, which kind of sucks. I've complained before about the organizer showing in her own shows, but of course she once again was Champion in our division at this show. Again. As usual. The only thing that made the placings less crummy is the fact that the Reserve in our division went to a lady who works really, really hard but has a difficult horse and she always gets beaten by us at every show. Today she beat us, and she looked like she was almost going to cry because she was so happy. The organizer doing all the organizing and then winning it all is annoying as usual, but the other lady getting Reserve gave me the warm fuzzies. I can totally get behind her beating us for once, because she really does deserve it. 

Next weekend we have a clinic, which I am really looking forward to. Then comes Pine Hill and immediately after is Stillwater! Holy crap time is flying by! 

Fail

SprinklerBandit recently posted a fantastic compilation of all of her Ultimate Fails. The post had me cracking up, and also thinking of all the times I've been in the same position - majorly, incredibly, humongously, blatantly, hilariously failing. 

And most of them were, naturally, with Gogo. 

(I have plenty of fail pictures of O and Pax but, for the sake of this post we'll stick with just Gogo!)

Failing to not have a broken nose 

Failing to go in a straight line

Failing to behave at her first ever event

Failing to not bolt during rehab

Failing to dressage

Failing to rehab

Failing to keep four on the floor

Failing to stand still in the ocean for pictures

Failing to canter along the beach

Failing to sensibly jump down banks

It wasn't just under saddle though. Gogo also failed to ever be friendly to other horses:

Failing to be nice to the other mares

Failing to be nice to this innocent gelding

Or that innocent gelding

Or that innocent gelding

Or that innocent gelding

Except for when she was in heat. Then, she was continuously failing to do anything except pee all over everything:

She also constantly failed to keep both herself and me intact... one of us was always injured in one way or another! ...

Despite all this, and even when we'd fail big time........

... we always managed to get it back together and make it work.

I miss her, always.