The Berserker

Well, I suppose I was due to have a super bad drive at *some* point. 

After our great lesson on Tuesday, O had Wed-Friday off, due partly to the terrible weather and partly due to my schedule. I pulled her out Saturday afternoon to drive, hoping the rain would hold off. It did not - a few minutes into harnessing, it started raining solidly. We were already all set to go through, and I didn't want to put her back in the barn after all of the effort to lug all of my stuff out - what's the harm, she's gotta learn to cope with the rain, right?

In all honesty, she was very good about the rain, really and truly. She doesn't like rain much, but she put on a game face and got to it. We walked and trotted up and down the road, and everything was quite fine. She was being a very good girl, albeit a bit forward. Unfortunately, at some point my glasses inevitably became super wet, and the warm air rising up from my wet clothes fogged them clean over. I was completely blind, and needed to stop to wipe them. At the end of the road, I turned her around, and I halted her, taking off my glasses to wipe them.

And that's where everything totally fell to pieces. This is a spot where we usually start trotting, and O thought that it was time to do that, so she stood for a minute and then lunged forward into her breastcollar. I stopped her, and she did it again. And again. This is not abnormal behavior for her by any means - she'll stand rock solid immobile forever if you want her to.... unless she thinks it is time for going. Then she lunges into her breastcollar and bulldozes her way forward. I had no glasses on and was trying desperately to wipe them while still stopping her over, and over. She became frustrated with being stopped, and started to back up. I asked her to whoa, and she kept backing. I asked her to walk on, and she kept backing. We were steadily approaching the intersection (not a busy one thankfully), but going the wrong direction. We were also getting quite close to the ditch. I picked up my whip, and tapped her on the side, asking her to walk on.

And she LOST HER MIND. Absolutely lost her mind. She almost sat down, started throwing herself in every direction, and tried to go careering the other way. I tapped her again, because she still was going backwards, and she wound herself tighter and tighter. I could not get her to just GO forward. She tapdanced, she thrashed, and every time I tapped her with the whip, she went backwards into the pressure instead of away from it. This is also not new behavior... this is always her response when something isn't to her liking. She thrashed, and thrashed, and still I couldn't get her to go forward. She thrashed so very hard that she snapped the leather on the tug strap that holds the tug to the bellyband - the part that keeps the shafts close to the horse. (Thankfully not the girth or the tugs themselves.) I couldn't see that it had happened at the time, but you can imagine the violence of her thrashing in order to break that piece of thick leather. All I could do was keep saying "walk on... walk on... walk on." Finally she went forward, at a canter - basically throwing herself from going backwards right into the canter. I'm not keen on cantering in two wheel vehicles but hell, at least I was going forward. I let her canter most of the way down the road, then brought her back to a trot (and she listened), then turned her to make another pass up the road (not knowing I had a break in my harness). She was hot, and strong, and crashed forward again from the walk right into a zooming canter with a VERY strong hold on the reins. I had had quite enough of that, and asked her to slow down. She hit the brakes HARD, and threw herself into reverse. I almost flew off the box seat. Another serious of wild, violent flails, and she managed to break both holdback straps. BOTH. These straps are the brakes on a harness - they are what stop the cart from rolling into the horse's butt when it stops. I realized with some alarm that they were broken, and somehow managed to talk her down from her violent rage. Somehow, some way, I managed to get her turned around, and quiet enough to walk all the way home. There was literally nothing else that could be done.

My harness is very, very old - the people I bought it from had it for 20 years, and they bought it used off somebody else, so it is probably even older than I am. Stuff doesn't last forever, especially not stuff made of dead animals, and there's a possibility that it had some dry rot around the holes in the places that it broke, that were small enough to go unnoticed. But still, there's no denying that O flailed hard enough to break it, and break it in three different places. The harness is currently completely unusable until I can get replacement parts. The first show is less than three weeks away.

I love this mare dearly. I believe in her, I want her to do well. I want her to succeed because nobody else believes in her. I have tried for two years to find a sport that is suitable to her peculiar mental needs, and I really thought this one out of all of them was the best for her brain. But just as always happens with her - everything goes well in the preliminary learning stage of a new sport, when everything is super simple and easy and straightforward. But when things get more difficult, or more complicated, or aren't going exactly the way she expects them to go - she checks OUT. She just says NO, every time.

I've always described her as Jekyll and Hyde, ever since I first met her - when she is good she is SO very good, and when she is bad, oh god look out. When the marble rolls the wrong way, it's all over. She's a berserker - when something isn't going the way she expects, her eyes get misted over with the bloodwrath, and she flies into a rage, irrational and violently agitated, unable to control her own actions. "YOU WANT ME TO GO FORWARD? I'LL SHOW YOU FORWARD," she says. And every little bit that you fight against it, she comes right back at you tenfold.

I've written about this before. Written about it a lot, actually... because it's my everyday reality. None of this behavior is new, none of it is surprising. It's just... dissapointing. Frustrating, and disappointing. I really finally thought that maybe I had a sport that she would truly be able to handle without having a nuclear meltdown every time the going gets a little tough. But it's still there... her inability to deal with things beyond being sweet talked into them. Her fury and rage. Her violent overreactions over little things that offend her. Her total failure to cope with things and respond sensibly. I just wanted her to stand still for a minute so I could wipe my glasses off... that's what started the entire thing. That's all I wanted her to do, and she couldn't handle it.


It sounds like I am getting myself worked up over one single bad drive, I know. I know it sounds silly. But it's not just one drive, it's every drive. It's every workout this mare has ever done in the past two years. Every single lunge, long line, drive, or ride, it's a race to see if you can get her done before the powder keg blows. If you can, you win! But most times she blows up mid-work, and it's always in response to being asked to do just a *little* more, or a *little* different. Go forward please... slow down please... stand please. It's never a "yes" with her, it's a "no" with a giant battle ensuing. Always. Every time. Every single one. The task then becomes soothsaying, trying to put her head on straight again and ending on a good note. It's a fun challenge, and it's enjoyable on some days, but on others when I just wish she'd be good and easy just for once... she never is.

I'm not giving up on her. I'm not ready to throw the towel in. But on days like this I find myself what I'm really doing here. I haven't ridden since I can't remember when. I haven't been to a recognized show, eventing or dressage, in five years. And it's because I love this horse and I am more invested in her success than in my chosen sports. I find myself wondering, what am I really doing here?
Anyone who loved this horse less would have passed her down the line ages ago. Anyone wanting to be involved with their beloved sports would have found a more suitable beast. O has a forever home with me, she'll never go anywhere... but perhaps it is time to consider catching a ride or drive on something that is saner. Maybe not though... I don't know.


Sigh. Sorry about the woe-is-me post. You've been reading them for two years... I was due for another one I suppose.