Tuesday, October 11, 2016

5 Years.

Gogo Fatale
06/02/01 - 10/11/11

5 years. How has it been 5 years already?

I'm still trying to process what this day means to me. 5 years ago today I lost my Gogo, which means that going forward from here, she will have been gone longer than she was in my life for. I'm still trying to understand this and put it into words. Life is very different now - not worse, not better, just different. It will never again be the same. Those 5 years were a very specific sliver of time for me. Everything changed when she came into my life, and everything changed again when she went out of it. The passage of time only makes that period of my life all the more glowing and powerful. Time has not diminished her memory in any way... Instead, every year that goes by she gets clearer, bigger, more grand than ever. 

I think she would be satisfied with that.

What can be said about her that hasn't already been said? She was everything to me. The only thing that mattered. She factored into every major decision I made, including where to work and to live. She was the shining light in my life, the guiding brightness that I dutifully followed everywhere that she called me. When her light went out, I floundered in the darkness for a long time. I'm still not sure now if I have really come out of the tunnel, or if I have just evolved enough to be able to see in the dark.

Time is still the great healer, but I feel a change this year. I put a lot of effort and money into breeding P to Gogo's full brother, and for a short while, I felt thrilled by the prospect of bringing part of her back to life. I had hope, for just one small blippet of time, that something of the past could be resurrected. When P didn't take, and then didn't take again, I felt completely steamrolled. That foal meant more to me than I could possibly have explained, and it wasn't going to happen - not now, and not ever. In a way, it completely closed that chapter of my life. The book had creaked back open for a moment, showing a new chapter I hadn't read before, but in one swift movement it slammed shut again, and burned. It's gone forever.

So, I don't know how I feel this year. Somehow I feel more lonely and sad than I did last year, but I'm not sure why. So many things are going so well for me. I have an incredible herd of horses that I love very much. I have a great job, and a house, and a bunch of animals, and a Future Hubs, and a really good life. There is really just one explanation for this feeling.... when something dies, it sometimes doesn't matter how many great things you throw into the hole that was left behind in your heart. Eventually you'll realize that all of those new things have their own permanent places, and you'll pull them out and sort them into the slots they are meant to go in. And you'll still have that hole. Nothing will be able to fill it. It will always be there, and you'll carry it with you for the rest of your life.

Nothing's the same without you mare. I hope you know that, wherever you are.


  1. It's been...wow...14 years...since I lost my heart horse (also a spirited bay mare, though mine was a 15.3h TB). I still think of her often.

  2. Eloquent as always. Next year will be 20 years since I lost my mare.

    You and Gogo were an incredible pair. I suppose this means I've been reading your blog for 8+ years now! You've done an amazing job building a beautiful life. It's a pleasure following along!

  3. Mine was a bay mare too. Coincidence?

  4. I feel this way about Promise, too. You put it into words a lot better than I can. ((hugs))

  5. Beautiful tribute to such a beautiful mare.

  6. I floundered in the darkness for a long time. I'm still not sure now if I have really come out of the tunnel, or if I have just evolved enough to be able to see in the dark.

    I feel that way about my best friend who died from breast cancer.

    I prefer to think of it as being able to appreciate the shadows.

    Nobody but horse people can ever understand the powerful connection we can have to the horses we love. And sometimes one of them is just special in a way we can't even explain to anyone.

    I'm a long time reader, who was here for the successes you had with her and the end, and I too cried at her passing.

    You inspire me everyday with your passion and love for everything 4 legged.

    Hugs and love on this day.

  7. It's been 5 years already? Holy smokes. She was amazing, and the partnership you had with her was even more so.

  8. This brought tears to my eyes, November will mark 3 years since I lost my mare. It's rare for a day to go by without me thinking of her, all the other horses I've ridden are always compared to her. She set the standard. She was a gift from my grandmother and we had 18 wonderful years together. The hole in my heart is one I don't think will ever be filled.