Monday, July 8, 2013

The "O"nly Child

It's time to break some enormously huge news to everyone - I haven't talked about it yet because it wasn't set in stone until today. As of this afternoon, both P and Immy are together in a lease situation with someone who a) wants P to ride on trails and b) wants Immy as a buddy for her other mare. This situation, if it all works out, literally could NOT be better for all of us!

It had come to the point in Immy's riding career where I have had to come to terms with the realization that she is not mentally capable of doing what I want her to be doing. I have tried, tried, tried and tried some more... even though she has come a million miles from where she was, even though she is officially broke to ride and has been in training now for months, she is no further mentally than she ever was. I tried... oh, I tried! I wanted it SO bad, I wanted to show everyone what could happen when an abused little mare was given a second chance. Unfortunately, I'm not the only one in this relationship.... and she, as a sentient being, is entitled to her say in this partnership as well. I can't force her to be something that she just does not want to be. Or well, I could try to force her... but what would be the point of that? What is the point of stressing her out in order to try and make her do the things that only I want to be doing?

Technically she is broke to ride. She walks, trots, and canters under saddle, and goes on little trail rides. That much I succeeded in doing. But underneath her quiet exterior, there was always a ripple of tension within her. I could never predict when it would come out, or why - sometimes she just could not mentally respond properly to pressures, even if she had already responded beautifully dozens of times before. Whenever that happened, she would shut down, explode, bolt, or buck like a rodeo bronc. At first, I thought she was just green. But the further we got into her training, the more unpredictable it was. She could canter just fine 4 out of 5 times, but the 5th she would panic for no discernible reason and launch me into the dirt - and we'd be set back again. 

This was not just in her under saddle work - 4 out of 5 times we could do everything normal and quietly, but without warning she would absolutely lose it over simple things - putting on a flymask, putting on a halter, picking up a foot. Sometimes I'd brush up against her on accident and she would panic. I don't know what she remembers from her years of abuse, but I don't think she'll ever forget it.... she is too smart and too sensitive to let anything go. Something gets triggered in her mind, no matter how benign whatever we're doing is, and she shuts down. We combed over her with every kind of treatment I could think of - chiro, massage, aquatherapy, vet, craniosacral, proper trims, proper diet, nutritional therapy, ulcer treatment. I poured thousands into her, just hoping to find something that would help find the Jekyll and Hyde switch and turn it off. I never succeeded.

Finally, I backed off and totally left her alone, and focused on O instead. That was when she came back around, acting like her wonderful usual sweet self. So long as I just petted her nosey and gave her kisses and cookies, she was a happy camper. So long as she was near me but not being directly asked to do anything, she was delightful. Honestly, she blooms when she's just in a super low-key environment. She just mentally does not handle stress well, and shuts down or acts out, no matter how minimal the pressures are. I completely understand this, as I am EXACTLY the same way. I have a really hard time dealing with stresses, and am quick to go from 0-60 - when things in my life go wrong, sometimes I can deal with them, but sometimes I go all the way to the other end of the spectrum and just want to hurl myself off a cliff rather than deal with whatever is causing the problem. In humans, we chalk that up to a mental health disorder... in horses, we are quick to just write them off as crazy. Who really knows what is going on?

I cannot change her history. I cannot change her years of abuse. And I cannot, no matter how much I try, change her reactivity to things. She is physically talented and completely capable of doing what I want her to do. But mentally, she is not capable and I honestly don't think she ever will be. 


Do I feel like a total failure? Of course I do. I completely feel like I have failed. I have been pulled endlessly in both directions from people on both sides of this, and it has been causing me considerable stress for a very long time. The people that know her personally, that have seen her and seen her unpredictable fear-based behavior have said that I am wasting my time, that she is worthless, that she was dumped at the ET facility because she is clearly nuts and that I need to ship her off as quick as I can. The people that don't know her personally are telling me that I'm not trying hard enough, that I must not be treating her appropriately, that I am giving up and am a failure and a quitter. As for me, I don't believe ANY of the above things are true: I love her dearly, I think she is a wonderful mare and that she is beautiful and sweet and silly and gentle. I don't honestly believe that I failed... I just think that I have come to accept the fact that I don't want to force this mare to have to endure any more stress than she has already had to deal with in her life.   Why am I trying to make her something that she just is not and does not want to be?

I don't regret rescuing her for a second, even if my dreams of making her into an eventer need to be tossed out the window. I am SO GLAD that I took her away from the misery she was in - SO eternally thankful for everyone that helped chip in to save her sweet soul. As such, I feel 100% responsible for making sure that the remainder of her days are to be lived out stress-free and happy and away from those that would harm her or toss her out with the trash. She deserves a beautiful and happy life, and I intend to make damn well sure that she never, ever endures any of that again.


Through a long series of events, I connected with a woman through acquaintance who has a solo lonely mare at her house. We agreed to try leasing Immy out as a companion for her mare - that's it, companion only. Her only job for the duration of the lease will be to keep this other mare company and eat, which is about as awesome of a job description as you could ever want as a horse. She is out on LEASE ONLY, meaning if it all goes to hell in a handbasket that she'll come back to me, but hopefully this lease will be somewhat indefinite and she and the other mare will be pasture mates and buddies for a long time. To top it off, at the last second the lady mentioned wanting a study trail horse to putz around on while her young mare was getting broke, and I told her that while Immy wouldn't be that horse, I did have another awesome older mare who had mostly just been hanging around getting some bareback trail rides that I would also be willing to let her lease. She jumped on it!

I took both girls over to her place today, and they settled in well. I'm worried that with P around, Immy is going to not be nice to the young mare, but P isn't supposed to stay for too long.... hopefully when she comes back, Immy will be forced to attach herself to another horse! She and P are total bookends, and Immy does NOT want the other mare to even say hello to P... hopefully they'll all get over that. 

This of course leaves O at home alone, with her palomino boyfriends over the fence to keep her company... I thought she was going to freak out, but she seems to have taken it all in stride and is probably happy to not have Immy beating on her constantly! It is going to be very strange at home with only one horse for a little while, but I know the other two will be well-tended, and they come home when everything is over with. It's a win-win for everybody. 

As always, I intend on always making sure Immy is happy, healthy, and safe for the duration of the rest of her life, no matter where she is or what she is doing. I owe it to her, and she deserves it. 



It feels good to write this all out. I've been keeping it all bottled up for fear that everyone would chew me out and be angry with me about it. And I'm sure people will yell at me and tell me I am a horrible person and all, but I think I am a strong enough person to ignore that and know that I have done right by everyone. I will miss the girls while they are gone, but they're not far away. They are doing good things for other people, and we all get to share the love in the process. It's a great feeling, really. 

In the end, it's all about doing what is right for the horse. 



35 comments:

  1. You're a wonderful person, not a horrible person! It takes guts--a lot of guts--to do what's right by the horse instead of forcing/coercing them into what you WANT them to do. Anyone who says anything different is just not worth listening to! Sure hope this situation ends up being all Immy could ever hope to have.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Sorry to hear Immy's issues haven't been improving - I was looking forward to seeing her compete too! But sometimes it just isn't going to happen. Plus, no matter how good hearted she is, an intermittently explosive horse can hurt people pretty easily. You've already brought her miles from being the uncatchable number 257. It's not going to harm her to stop here and be a pasture puff. That lease situation sounds fantastic! Hope it all works out well.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well done! It sounds like a great situation for everyone. Sometimes just knowing when to call a spade a spade is the hardest part, and takes a LOT of guts. You should sleep well knowing that your girls will all be happy and doing the things that they like best. Anyone who takes an issue with that needs a serious attitude adjustment!

    -Renee
    Adventures In Colt Starting

    ReplyDelete
  4. It sounds like you have arrived at the best possible solution for everyone involved. You did Immy a great service by showing her that people aren't all bad, and her new home will find her much easier to deal with compared to her uncatchable self.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Wow. I hadn't realised it was still such a struggle, but her unpredictablility is of course a problem and you've certainly given her your all. I do wonder though if she'll miss YOU as well, that positive human contact from the first person to have ever cared about her.. how will you ensure she stays completely comfortable around humans without focused interaction (excepting the regular basics, like food and checks)? I hope she really takes to her new carer too, as learning to trust and love another human would be a fantastic next step in her rehabilitation.

    I really applaud your perspective around giving her a life on her own terms, rather than battling on with working her despite these ongoing challenges. Letting go of that dream must have been very hard, but the resolution to simply provide her with a safe, happy life is a beautiful thing. I'm glad she'll have P mare with her too, it's the start of a new adventure for them both, and for you and O too. I knew you'd end up keeping that little red devil, haha!

    Big hugs. Such a difficult decision but you're doing your best by everyone. xx

    ReplyDelete
  6. I hope it works out well for everyone! I have been thinking a lot about what we owe these horses and about how much I respect/admire folks who take that responsibility seriously. Kudos.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Great decision :) I think it's awesome what you are doing and not only are you giving Immy what she needs you are also providing another horse what it needs! (the lonely mare chilling by itself!). Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! Keep up the great work!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think a huge portion of what makes a good horse person is being able to realise when things AREN'T working, just as much as being able to recognize success is important. Admitting "failure" is really difficult but I do not think you failed whatsoever; she's no longer a foal factory and has a much wider skillset than when you got her.

    ReplyDelete
  9. You said it, in the end it's about doing what is right for the horse(s). I hope everything works out for you and the girls...does this mean you'll be keeping O? ;)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Great Job. That Is A Tough conclusion To Come To. You Are A Smart Horseman and I Have no Doubt You Did Everything You Could. You Made The Right decision For The Right Reasons. And If Some Idiot tries To Tell You Otherwise Keep In Mind They Are Just That Idiots.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Someone could only call you a failure for not trying... and try you did!!! I think that making the decision that's right for the horse regardless of our agenda is a very selfless thing to do. Immy and P will be super happy in their new semi-retirement! I can't wait to see how well O blooms now that's she in the spotlight.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I hope this works out fantastically for all of you!

    Honestly, horses sometimes just have baggage that we simply can't unpack. Much like deep human trauma that will always be there in part, their trust was violated and can never fully heal.

    To a FARRR lesser extent, Solo has his own baggage, pieces of which, at some point, we just had to make an agreement about. They are details which a horse nazi might pick at me about, but knowing him the way I do, I have no qualms about keeping the peace. After 7 years, you kinda know when to pick your battles!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sometimes horses just have had such bad things happen to them that they can't ever recover, A+ goes to you for making her as happy and not scared as possible, because she could have ended up dumped at a kill-auction or something. This sounds like a perfect situation for both mares, the person leasing them and for you

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ditto to Kate. Proud of you! Pour all that energy into O and just enjoy this time!

    ReplyDelete
  15. As one who contributed to save Immy, you have my support. It sounds like a great solution for everyone.
    You do realise this means launching another blog, though?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I was thinking the same thing. Perhaps the "Andrea's Awesome Horse Blog" would cover any changes as they happen...

      Delete

  16. Everyone else, especially Kate, has said everything I was thinking so I will just concur. I think you are correct and courageous for placing your girls into a situation so ideal for everyone - and every animal - involved. The only drawback I can see is Ms. O will be the focus of your attention now and she might not like it, LOL!

    @Sharon - I was thinking the same thing, that this blog title won't work any more... ;-)



    ReplyDelete
  17. You took her further than anyone else thought she could go. She is going to a good home, she doesn't have to do anything but "be". You still own her, and there for will always have a say in how she is cared for.
    I don't see how that could be considered failure.

    Ya dun did gud! Real gud.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Good for you for rescuing her AND finding her a perfect home where she can be happy and not stressed :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh man - you didn't fail, you saved that mare's life!! She knew love for the first time because of you. I would call that in itself a success. Anyone who dares criticize your selfless decision wanting only a good life for your girls is seriously misguided.

    ReplyDelete
  20. What everyone else said plus high fives and hugs. There is not part in this that I see failure - if you learn from your experiences you never fail. Immy has taught you so much and will go on to teach others who are wise enough to learn from her. Don't ever think you failed her or yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was supposed to read: "no part in any of this" :)

      Delete
  21. You have been Immy's angel - given her so much more than her sorry situation would ever have led her. And you're giving her again a gift - of listening, of changing expectations and letting go of human dreams, and of finding a wonderful situation for her where she can have the best horsey job ever.

    I truly loved following her adventure and I hope you'll give updates on her every so often.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm in the middle of making this decision myself. I have tried for 3.5 years to make my draft cross a regular riding/low level dressage, w/t/c horse and it just isn't working. In fact, I haven't cantered her in the entire 3.5 years I've had her because she just can't stay sound. I've done massage, tons and tons of vet, new saddle, new farrier and shoes, riding every day, extensive time off, supplements, injections, etc etc etc, and nothing ever keeps her sound. I am finally coming around to the fact that maybe she just doesn't want to be ridden and/or she isn't made to be a riding horse. She's so sweet and loveable, I hate thinking that I am being cruel by continually trying to make her what I want her to be. So I'm thinking it's time to find a similar arrangement for her since I'm paying out the wazoo for fancy board at a fancy barn. Either she goes to be a pasture pet for someone, or I find a cheap pasture board situation. It's so rough to admit "failure" (although anyone can see you did the direct opposite of failing her) and do the right thing. I feel ya! *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Candice,
      Have your vet do the PSSM blood test on your mare. I have a draft cross with the same issue and we just found out that he has it. All you do is change the diet and make sure they get exercise daily, and it's highly likely that she'll return to a usable level of soundness. Sounds crazy, but it's true!!!

      Delete
    2. Oh I know all about PSSM. In fact, I did the diet and the daily exercise AND I sent her hair off to do the DNA test and she doesn't have it. The diet and exercise hasn't made any difference in her soundness. I was so hoping it was PSSM because I did a ton of research on it and was totally prepared to manage it, but not to be.

      Delete
    3. Aww, bummer! I wish you all the luck :-/

      Delete
  23. Not all horses are meant to be riding horses. It takes strength to recognize that, accept it, and do what's best for the horse in spite of it.

    ReplyDelete
  24. You did right by your girls! Go you!

    ReplyDelete
  25. I think it sounds like the right thing to do, and a good situation for Immy. I've see horses similar to her become useful after a few years of total decompression and in a trustworthy environment with gentle and non-reactive handlers. Some recover from abuse, some never quite do.

    But as you know, it is a crap shoot. Here's hoping if she does come back to you later, she may have had a chance to fill her memory banks with only pleasant things and help push the abuse memories to the barest minimum.

    ReplyDelete
  26. O seems like a wonderful partner who can grow with you and challenge you as both a trainer AND a rider. I think that letting P and Immy go to someone who they can have a partnership which is suited to their mental/physical needs is incredibly generous of you, especially as you have put so much time and love into them. To heal from the loss of a heart horse like gogo it takes time and a few partnerships, O seems like one who can take you to a place where you can fulfill some of your dreams. Your thoughtful dedication to your horses and their happiness is inspiring, as is your willingness to candidly lay bare your thought process with strangers.

    ReplyDelete
  27. As a lurker who donated a very small amount for her rescue, I couldn't be more thrilled with what you have done for her. She is so lucky to have found you.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Immy is a lucky girl to have you as her rescuer. As the owner of a sensitive, abused rescue horse, I feel where you're coming from. My mare hasn't been saddle trained yet, mostly because I didn't feel she was able to take the stress. It's amazing how long horse's memories can be when related to traumatic events - even if they've experienced nothing but comfort and love for some time. Good luck with the lease, it really sounds like it will be good for Miss Immy to just chill and be a buddy.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I'm slowly getting caught up on your blog again. Yeah I got waaay behind again lol. It's hard to read blogs in the summer when I just want to be outside. I just wanted to say I think you made the right decision. My Percheron is a lot like Immy (but different if that makes any sense). In fact the draft rescue told me to just put him to sleep because explosive draft horses with a history of abuse are too dangerous and impossible to rehab... that's a depressing thing to hear. I'm still trying to find him a home as a companion horse, but I'm not having any luck. Now that I only have five acres I can't really afford to keep him either. He eats a LOT of hay. Anyway just wanted to let you know I understand what you're going through (went through) with Immy and I think you made the right decision. :)

    ReplyDelete